MY STORY

From an Inner Pause — to the Fullness of Being

Before “Paradise Palette” was born, there was a quiet search.
It was the kind of search in which God was searching for me.

“I revealed Myself to those who did not ask for Me;
I was found by those who did not seek Me.”
— Isaiah 65:1

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INTRODUCTION

A Story About How God Finds a Person

Often, people think they are searching for God.
But one day revelation comes, and suddenly you begin to understand — all along, God was searching for you.

This is a story about how God finds a person again and again — through a quiet inner calling, through the faithfulness and tenderness of His touch.

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CHAPTER 1

When I First Heard My Name

Even in childhood, I began to notice that Someone knew my name before I knew Him.

When I was around five or six years old, I saw Jesus.

Later, between the ages of eight and twelve, I would hear someone calling my name. The voice felt deeply familiar and close.

This happened more than once.
And every time, I would run to my mother, convinced it was she who had called me. Again and again I searched for her, asking why she had called my name.

Years passed.

When I was around twenty years old, I heard that voice again.

It was the very same voice —
familiar, close, alive.

This time it sounded from the tops of the tall poplar trees surrounding our courtyard.

Familiar. Close. Real.

Woman sitting quietly beneath a tree in warm golden light, surrounded by the peaceful atmosphere of prayer and the quietness of God’s presence.

In the stillness,
His presence became near once again.

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CHAPTER 2

The Tabernacle of Prayer

Every prayer became a meeting place with God.
That is why I called my prayer places “tabernacles” — sacred places where God spoke with people, just as He did in the Old Testament.

In 1986, our family moved from Kuban, Russia, to Riga, Latvia.

For some time, we lived with my sister. Alongside church life, youth gatherings, ministry, and prayers — including night prayers — we especially loved praying at home.

We practiced praying at three in the morning, waking intentionally just to spend time with God.

Those prayers were unlike anything else. During them, we experienced something so living and beautiful that each time we longed to return again and again to that place of holy presence.

Soon my sister got married, and I began living with a friend.

I fell in love with solitude.
I fell in love with prayer.

I called my prayer places “tabernacles.”

I had many such places — throughout the city, in parks, forests, and hidden paths along the way home.

Dreamlike paradise garden with an elegant bench beneath a flowering tree, surrounded by oversized flowers and a quiet atmosphere of prayer and God’s presence.

Some places become sacred
through the stillness of His presence.

I had my own special places of meeting with Him.

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CHAPTER 3

Do Not Let Me Lose You

Even when life became busy, there was always a place within me reserved for Him. And somewhere deep inside remained the fear of losing His closeness.

One day, after I was already married, I noticed that for various reasons I had begun dedicating less and less time to prayer.

I remember that particular prayer vividly.
It was as though I was making an agreement with Him.

“Please… if this ever happens,
and I lose You —

find me.

Do not let me drift so far away
that I lose sight of You.

I cannot live without You.”

In that prayer, I experienced Him especially near.
Peace came into my heart.

And then I knew:

if for any reason I were ever to lose Him —
He would find me.

He would never leave me outside of Himself.

Those were the distant nineties.

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CHAPTER 4

The Inner Calling

Years later, I once again heard within myself a quiet call into relationship with Him.

It was 2017.
We had already been living in California for many years.

I was fully immersed in my beloved family, church life, and everyday routines.

Around that time, I increasingly became aware of a search within me, though I still could not define or explain it.

Later I understood that it was an inner calling. But at the time, I did not realize that —

He was calling me into relationship.

I had forgotten the closeness I once experienced with Him in my youth.

Though I still knew the power of prayer, saw God’s answers in my life, experienced His care as a loving Father, and continued living by faith and trust in Him, still — almost without noticing —

I had drifted away from intimacy with Him.

Sometimes memories from my youth would suddenly flash through my mind like revelations. I remembered how clear my path had once been. I knew my days. Back then I carried no anxiety or uncertainty.

I began asking myself:

What should I do?

We were a healthy, devoted family. My husband and eldest son were involved in church ministry. We never missed gatherings without a serious reason.

But this inner calling —
it continued calling me again and again.

Somewhere deep within, I heard:

“the prayer room.”

I felt I needed to find a place where I could more deeply touch the One who was calling me.

I began searching online.
But I found only options that felt distant and чужими to my heart.

Eventually, I stopped searching.

Two more years passed.

The inner longing for God would not release me.
I knew I needed something more than simply hearing about Him.

Blonde woman sitting quietly beside a large bay window at dusk, surrounded by candles and books, reflecting in a peaceful atmosphere of prayer, longing, and God’s presence.

Amid ordinary life,
His presence continued calling me deeper.

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CHAPTER 5

When the Answer Came

Often the answer comes precisely when we are ready to hear it.

It was already 2019.

One day I told myself:

“I need to understand this.”

I opened the internet once again.
Again I searched for a prayer room.

But I still did not understand where it was or what it should look like.

I found nothing — except for a Korean prayer mountain near Santa Cruz.

I was not sure this was truly the place my heart was longing for.

I became discouraged.

I lay down on the bed and began to reflect.

I had always told myself:

Everything depends on the depth of desire, and as long as a person lives — if they truly desire something with all their heart, they will surely receive it.

Lying there, I examined my heart —
how deeply did I truly desire God?

Just a few minutes later, the phone rang.

It was my niece.

She said our meeting planned for the next day was cancelled because her friend was leaving for a prayer room.

Blonde woman standing on a winding path in a dreamlike paradise landscape surrounded by flowering trees and soft light, symbolizing a deeper spiritual calling and the journey into God’s presence.

When the answer finally came,
a path opened before me.

I laughed out loud.

After such a long search, the answer came so unexpectedly that I no longer understood whether I was laughing or crying.

That became the beginning of everything changing.

He called me.
And I ran after Him.

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CHAPTER 6

Paradise Palette

From that moment on, my life began filling with light, the colors of Paradise, and the presence of God.

Everything changed.

And only much later did I remember that old prayer:

if I ever lost Him — He would find me.

He kept His word.

I truly realized how faithful He is, even when we lose our own faithfulness, love, and devotion.

I believe God longs for personal relationship with every person.

Deep. Real. Unique.

For we were created for Him.
For the fullness of life in Him.

Now my days and nights became filled with meaning.
It was as though I discovered myself in the hands of an Artist holding a Paradise Palette.

I became a witness to the dawn rising within my life.
And it continues growing brighter — and I brighter with it — even unto full day.

Since then, I began recording everything:

dreams,
encounters,
revelations,
meetings with Him.

Yet the most precious thing in all of this is not even the experiences themselves, though they are real and captivating.

But — Him Himself —

poured-out myrrh, the priceless treasure.

His presence became more precious than the most unique spiritual experience.

He Himself —

the incomparable experience of love born from relationship.

My story continues.
Because I live here and now.

Life on earth is a unique gift.

And many moments we experience here on earth awaken hidden treasures within us that could never have been revealed through us — even in perfect heavens.

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Abiding in the quietness of His presence.

— Ellen Rabov
Paradise Palette

Continue the journey →